In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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