u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Pooping to opera.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
