if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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