My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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