i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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