My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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