I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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