I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
