he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
