my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
