I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
