Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
