I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
