He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Text me some of your sweat
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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