She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
