Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
