I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
