His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
