She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
