drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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