just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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