Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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