the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
