I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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