hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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