Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
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dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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