Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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