I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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