All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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