he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
