Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize