So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
