So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
