I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
