UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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