So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two words: blizzard sex
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We are all done wearing pants today
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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