Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
