never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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