I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
