i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
