He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
