Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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