Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
