I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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