If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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