i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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