I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.