he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?