fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
