Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
