you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
