Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
