I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
