she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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