Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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