Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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