Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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