I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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