I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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