so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
